PEOPLE THINK that I make my living by working as a computer consultant. I do work as a computer consultant, but that’s not really how I make most of my living.
I’m working, as a consultant, for a local company. They call me in for a meeting. I go into the conference room and see the usual top management faces, plus a nice-looking lady. I take the only remaining seat.
The President gets up and says, “I have called this meeting at the request of Miss Emilie Diane, of The Securities And Exchange Commission. Emilie will tell you what her concern is.”
The lady gets up and says, “We at the SEC have detected a pattern of heavy trading of options for your company’s stock. We suspect that your company computers may have been hacked and that someone is trading options on inside information.” She then pauses.
The company President then tells her, “Mr. Jim Zorm is a computer consultant that we use. He probably can tell you about our computer security.”
I tell the lady, “I’m Jim Zorm. This company sells nationwide, and we have a number of sales reps, working all over the country. Of course, the sales reps communicate with the company central computer system, via the Internet. Anytime that you have remote access, the danger of misuse of a computer system increases dramatically. However, I have installed a fairly secure security system and we do daily security checks. I would be happy to discuss with you, in private, the details of the company security system.”
The lady then lectures the company executives about the penalties for leaking inside information about the operations of a company. After a bit she says, “I would now like to talk with Mr. Zorm.”
The company President says, “You can use Mr. Richardson’s office.”
I then lead the lady to Mr. Richardson’s office and wave her to a chair. I take a chair myself and tell her, “I’m a consultant, not a regular employee, so I don’t have an office. I just use the office that I’m directed to use. How may I help you?”
The lady eyes me and says, “You don’t look like a computer consultant.”
“How should a computer consultant look?”
“Well, not like a body builder or something.”
“I grew up a po’ boy. I was a wrestler, in high school. The coach got me some modeling assignments in local department stores so that I could earn eating money. I worked hard labor, in the summer. I then wrestled for a couple of colleges. I had to lift weights, to stay at the hundred ninety-seven-pound wresting class limit. I still lift weights and I still weigh around two hundred pounds.”
“Wasn’t one of your colleges involved in some sort of betting scandal?”
“That was the football team. No one bets on college wresting. However, the betting scandal caused the athletic department to cut way back and I had to transfer to another school to keep a scholarship.”
“You must be aware that this company is in deep trouble, financially.”
“Yes I am, although I’m doing what I can to keep the company afloat.”
“Who has access to the company financial summary reports?”
“Only the very top company executives. Each time a company financial report is generated, one of the top executive secretaries comes in and waits by the printer. No one gets at the reports until she delivers them to the recipients. Any attempt to get at the reports by unauthorized persons is an immediate termination offense.”
“Who generates the company financial summary reports?”
“I set up the reports, although I’m training a company programmer to take over that job. Then, only the chief computer operator runs the reports.”
“Do you, the programmer, or the operator see the reports?”
“No, the programmer or I know which report is to be run, but we don’t see the report itself. The computer operator doesn’t see the report, just directions to mount or dismount the required disc storage units.”
“Some unauthorized person is getting at the reports. We don’t yet know how. However, we have a number of court-ordered phone taps in place.”
“Ahhh, I do sometimes get calls from the night computer operators. I also sometimes call back and check on the problem solutions that I suggested.”
“I know, I have listened to the phone conversations. Susie has a very sexy voice.”
“There are two Susies. Susie sexy voice is a nice lady, perhaps a bit plain to look at. The other Susie is a hot looking babe and the kind that filled in the employment application Sex blank with ’Yes!’ However, the second Susie lacks the really sexy voice. I’ll deny having told you any of what I just told you.”
“Yes. So far, all of the conversions have involved only computer technical issues, with maybe a tiny bit of perhaps sexually edged hints.” She then gives me a knowing smirk.
